Date: Tue, 31 Dec 1996 16:04:05 +0000
From: beverly Reiser
Reply-To: beverly@idiom.com
Organization: walter/McBean Gallery
X-Mailer: Mozilla 3.0Gold (Macintosh; I; 68K) MIME-Version: 1.0
To: beverly@idiom.com
Subject: add my love story
She was the girl that led my life in terms of thoughts. not a day
would go by that I would think about her. even though she
lived like thyousands of miles away she still lived close inside my
heart. she was true love I knew it and she knew it, I don't want
to mention her name because it's not important. also to the
fact that if I think about it too much it will send me into a flurry
of despair. But it's been some time since i could actually look
into her stuff, her belongings that she left me. like all of the
letters little tidbit true romance type of junk that seemed cute
at the time but now it's just utterly stupid. but thats the way
things are just the little inside jokes, the snippits of thoughts that
are only understood by us, -the thoughts that surrounded the
junk. . . . just that i couldn't bring myself to go near it. even
though i guarded it preciously under lock and key like some
bizarre fetishist drooling in a closet over a three inch red pump.
sickly actually. but just now, I've only begun to know and fully
realise what has gone on, to understand thefull force of the
power thAT we held and why it came it an end. so as a
representation of that thought I dug out a blue sweater jacket.
the instant I but it on again it was as if I was transported back in
time. The pharamones of the love that we held were still
contained within like sweet rose. it transported me it made me
smile iit made me felt loved as no other my first true love has
come back to me, to wrap me in warmth, console me with her
pleasant being, and ebrace me forever. I remember I put on
my da's derby and it was like he was right over my shoulder it
was dad to a t the smell of coffe cigarettes and the grease of
the machines he worked on at work. it was the same thing with
my love. but now she makes me smile and instantlt puts me in a
better mood no matter what the situation. if I had that
powerful drug with me all the time I would have no need for
psychedelics, shrooms, X, acid, dmt, pcp, all of that. I have self
diagnosed myself as being in need of a permanent hug so i
supplement that need with the necessary chemicals. but now I
have a new toy as long as it lasts, surely the scent can't last. so I
save it for now and again use but underneath I know I'm still
addicted to her. idyllically the things we had in all our relations,
not willing to spend a minute apart even though we were
thousands of miles apart, spitting lies to protect images,
humility, . . but mostly it was love and it was true. I mean you
know when a love is true when the word is on your lips when
you go to bed everynight and upon waking every morning
only to hope that you can say it again. this was the episode for
every night and every day for the course of a year. her
presence was just engrained upon my soul and to have her
from me was utterly painfull hell with the only hope that we
might share would be when we could see each other again.
to ford the distance with a promise. but really the distance was
too much and the lies turned worse and the cheating even
greater but the devotion was there still but really it was all on
the rocks, forseeably we were ruined from the start but we
made it last on the strength of our word and the empty trust
that was a facade of who were were together. and then
when it seemed it would just turn around and our love would
last forever, her heart died and shied away cried to not be
hurt by me and the distance between us to be faithfull was hell
and to not have me while I was away was too much to bear
and then as soon as she came into my life she was gone. I still
love her. I will always. i love you beth.
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